I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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