Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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