So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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