my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize