My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
