the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
