Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There's always time for handjobs
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
