He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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