Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
