I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
