I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
