I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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