and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
