Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
