OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize