I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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