He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
