I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
