is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
