My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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