tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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