You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
