Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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