Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
