You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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