No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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