Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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