So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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