If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
