I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
