All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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