my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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