I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize