I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
