really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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