a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
