I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
