he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
