I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
