please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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