Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
