In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
