Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
