i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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