I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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