just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
