This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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