Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
