you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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