for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
