Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
