you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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