I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
