Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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