even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
