fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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