it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
