My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
