im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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