I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
