you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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