see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
